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| 06:58am 13/08/2006 |
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mood:  discontent music: Ego - The Sounds
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So it's been a while since I've poked around on LJ. I just felt like spouting off and such.
My obsession of the moment is Audrey Hepburn. I've been reading a lot about her, and want to go on a binge and watch a bunch of her movies. She was such a captivating woman. I watch an A&E BIO on her on youtube. Gotta love youtube.com.
Xena: Warrior Princess has also taken over my universe. It's sad. I love watching the travels of Xena and Gabrielle. There so cute.
School starts on Aug 21. I still dont have all my books. I will be getting 16 credit hours though so YAY! I'm taking intro to soc., intro algebra, expository writing, american women's studies, and art appreciation.
I received a 4 out of 5 on AP Psych, and a 3 out of 5 on AP English.
Still planning on being an english teacher. woop.
Dad's in rehab. I sent him a letter.
I went to the warped tour. Saw the sounds and Joan Jett & the blackhearts. UTTERLY AMAZING!
I'm off my meds. I haven't taken them almost all summer. And I haven't gone crazy yet. I need to get back on them for school though. Lots of anxiety.
I got a job.
Turned 18. Hoopla.
I guess the main reason i am posting on here is because I have been thinking about someone a lot lately. I hate when I do this but i dont feel like wasting my friends time with this drivel. I've been wondering about Holly lately. Wondering what she's doing. What colleges she has her eyes on. Classes she's taking. Wondering how her and the lover are doing. Not that they care, but i am still attached to Holly. I don't need to be. Shouldn't be. I just wonder and worry. It's strange how friendship or whatever the fucked up relationship we had fades. It seems i mainly remember the fights and arguments and my utter cruelty. Even though my friends disliked her I knew I deserved everything she dished out on me. And it was nothing to the shit I did to her. I don't think I will ever forget the horrible things I said and did to her. It was pretty fucked up. And even after her and the lovers charade on my LJ i dont hate them or pity them. I wonder. I hope there doing well. I do miss Holly though. But I dont think I will ever try to speak to her again. Theres nothing there.
Gunna smoke the last cigarette and go to bed. |
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| 03:20pm 03/06/2006 |
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mood:  relaxed music: love rockets - clear static
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Saw Clear Static on tuesday. It was kick ass. There so much better live than on CD.
My art project and possibly a movie awaits.
Saw Erin last night it was nice. Haven't seen her in for fucking ever.
Started taking my medicine again last night. I am a bit zombified right now.
OOOO...I GOT TO SEE SHANEYL LAST NIGHT!!! It was lovely. I never get to see her anymore since she moved. It is terribly sad. She is so much fun. I love amusing her with my antics |
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| 03:04pm 03/06/2006 |
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Holly...
oops i just spoke of the queen of the universe. Someone kill me. Oh wait...kitty or pussy whatever her cute little name is will... |
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| 09:07am 03/06/2006 |
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mood:  chipper music: Let's do everything again - Of Montreal
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Awards day yesterday. It was 3 and a half hours of utter shit. In about 85 degree heat. No one gives a shit about people's scholarships and achievements we just want to fucking graduate.
At least I graduate next saturday. Which i dont understand why it's a big deal. Most of us are all going back to school in the fall. *shrugs* And I intend to teach so I'll pretty much be in school the rest of my life. So It's not a change for me just another position.
My dads courtdate is tuesday. I don't know if he'll get out of jail. I hope he doesn't. He would probably ruin my graduation. Plus he'll just get back on crack. Everyone is fed up with him. Most of my family wants to beat the shit out of him. Which I dont blame them. He's a dumbfuck.
Finally saw Memoirs of a Geisha. It was awesome. Kinda sad, but still a great movie.
I saw Transamerica last weekend. If you find transexuals interesting definately check it out.
I bought two new books to read, but I haven't started them yet. I got the Bell Jar and Fahrenheit 451.
My cat that was missing for a month came back. I thought she was dead.
I have to work on my art project. It's half of my exam grade. I want it to be awesome so I should go brain storm for that. I have a couple of ideas. So we shall see.
The crew is quarelling again. Which sorta kinda sucks.
I finally took my meds last night for the first time in a week or two. I shouldnt skip days or weeks or months. Makes me all ansty. I need to get on more of an anti anxiety drug rather than an anti depressant.
Off to draw. |
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| 06:09pm 02/06/2006 |
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Kittie can eat my nuts. She needs to learn to trust the stupid shit brain. She needs to get over herself or she'll end up like me.
Yes My last entry was out of line. And honestly and i dont feel like that. I made that entry because I knew kittie would read it. Kittie also needs to stop reading my journal the fucking crack whore.
One last thing kittie - Holly isn't your bitch, she's your lover so maybe you should think about what you did to her and not why she speaks to me.
And honestly. She loves you so dont fuck it up. She imed me while i was away...changed her mind and reblocked me. She only spoke to me after i made a new SN and left a billion messages on her away message about some personal stuff. She returned told me she didnt need me now that she had worked it out or whatever. I merely made sure she was ok because she would only ever IM me if she was upset. She was a cold bitch to me and i got off aim after about 20 minutes.
Happy? Are you happy you took away the last person I could be completely honest with? You better be happy and you better make it worth it. |
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| 10:30pm 31/05/2006 |
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mood: discontent music: Baby just say good night - the click five
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I just spilled my heart and mind to someone who doesn't give a fuck and only needs me when she's in trouble. What more should I expect. And oddly enough I still love her. I don't know why I can't forget about her. For the last 2 years any time I'm with someone I wish it was her...Maybe you really do only get one chance at Love.
I don't even think she read any of the stuff I said to her. I haven't spilled my heart to anyone in a long time and she doesnt even care.
I hope Kittie screws her over.
No I'm crying over someone I lost years ago...
I wish I could show her how much she means to me...How I still love her as much as did over 3 years ago. It always leads back to her. No matter what. I want to hold her and kiss her and tell her I'm a loser that doesnt deserve to speak to her. Maybe this is why we cant speak. Because I cant handle her with anyone...I just want to be her friend. But I cant do that. Even if kittie allowed her to speak to me...I just want her to be happy, but it still hurts to see her with anyone else. Kittie's lucky...
My how things change in almost four years. |
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| Alternative Prom!!! |
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| 08:46pm 23/04/2006 |
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mood: chipper
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PFLAG Winston-Salem will once again be hosting the Youth Alternative Prom on April 28, 2006. Last year's youth prom was attended by over 200 high school students in the triad! You won't want to miss out on this very special occasion. Admission will be $5.00 for each student. Join us for "A Night in Vegas!"
Save the Date: Friday, April 28, 2006
Where: Trinity Presbyterian Church Map to Trinity Presbyterian
When: 8:00pm-midnight
Experience DJ Outstreet!
Everyone should come. It would be most amazing. Pass the info on so as many people as possible know!
WOOT!!!
And guess what? I have a date this year because I have a girlfriend. Hell yea bitches. *dances* |
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| 02:59am 23/03/2006 |
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mood:  cold
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8 hour nap and and four more hours to sleep. Gotta love that.
I wasn't anti social today and didnt almost cry either. The thing thats been on my mind isnt going away but i guess im getting used to it. I'm still depressed. I still havent told the person who needs to know, why. People are Oblivious. At least I am coming to terms with my feelings.
*yawns and shivers* |
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| 04:27pm 19/03/2006 |
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mood:  nauseated
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Why I am so slow to realize and come to terms with my own feelings? I've been on the verge of tears all day because i just realized how much i care about someone and wouldn't mind being with them. Not that they will ever know now or that they would have been interested in the first place. Im so mad at myself. And I cant tell anyone because its so fucking retarded. So Im over it. Doesnt matter, never would. I'll just find some girl to obsess over for the next few months so i can focus my useless efforts elsewhere.
This is why I have been nauseated since last night. Only one person knows. I wish she didnt. It would be easy to ignore if I hadnt admitted it.
You know that game girls use to play by using numbers instead of peoples names to say who they liked. Well in middle school girls did that, they never told me what the numbers represented. I resented them it. I still hate them for not allowing me to be one of them. I still don't know what the numbers mean. I wish I did. I wish i had been one of the "normal" girls. |
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| 04:26am 13/03/2006 |
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mood:  depressed music: new machines and the wasted life - OFTM
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My favorite character on the L word died on tonights episode. If I had been alone I would have sobbed my eyes out. It's bad enough people die in real life, but they have to die on tv to. I feel so utterly empty. Dana is dead. No more episodes with her humor and quirkyness. *curls up* |
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| 06:53pm 10/03/2006 |
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mood: chipper
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I received at 8 on my in class Essay on the passage from Obasan. Definately the best part of my week. |
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| 04:42pm 06/03/2006 |
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mood: depressed
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My moms in the bathtub crying, because no matter how much she works we never have enough money. We are probably going to have to sell the house by the end of the school year.
I am depressed for no real reason. I was at school today and i didnt want anyone messing with me. After school I just sat on the cement. I didn't even talk to Abbey. Erica came over and tried to cheer me up, but I just feel like shit. I didnt speak to abbey or justus on the way to 5th. I dont know whats wrong with me. I was fine. Now I feel like shit. I hate my medicine. I'm just so lonely and i feel like i cant talk to anyone. Everything sucks. I dont know what to do for my mom. She works so hard yet we still cant pay all of our bills. It is fucking fucked up. All because of my fucking loser ass dad. I hate him. *cries*
Fuck this shit. |
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| 10:27pm 05/03/2006 |
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mood:  blank
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What I left out about last night...
i vs me: me and a bunch of my friends *guys and girls* were chillin in a bathroom at this cafe and i went to piss and i was coming out everyonestarted leaving so i went to wash my hands and this hispanic guy stayed behind and blocked the door saying he wanted to talk to me...so i was like ok...and he kept saying he wanted to tell me something and i was getting anxious so he told me he liked me and i said i didnt like guys but he wouldnt give up and he kept saying stuff but i couldnt understand him because of his accent so i started getting nervous and he kept making eye contact with me aqnd licking his lips so i started look around at everything i could hit him with if he moved towards me then the live music was about to start back up and i really started panicking because i knew no one would hear me so finally i sternly asked if he would let me out of the bathroom and he did but i was so scared holly...he was stronger than me and bigger and i was so scared of what he could do to me
i vs me: it made me hate men so much more
i vs me: and all of my friends thought it was funny...but honestly i had never felt so threatened by a man in my entired life
I am scared of men. |
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| 04:46am 05/03/2006 |
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mood: relaxed
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The other day I realized I have started to grow up and perhaps mature. Things are in a different perspective. I still love to hang with my crew, but the novelties of things have begun to wane and I know now in a few years I will be an adult. I'm not as upset as I am scared. Scared in a good way. Like the scared when you ask someone out.
Lex, Chelsea, Emily, Elman, and I hung out in the women's restroom at Elliot's Revue. Life is a little sweeter when you feel like a VIP. Tonight was bangin. |
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| 11:15am 26/02/2006 |
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mood:  cheerful music: The One Armed Boxer vs the flying guillotine - FFTL
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Manchy's surprise party went well even though it stressed me out, made me feel sick, and get a bit depressed. I dunno it was fun though. Definately worth it all.
I've gotten so use to the singles scene that it doesn't even bother me that much. Sure I would like a snuggle bunny, but I am pretty content right now. I'm pretty much over the girl I use to like. I still like her, but not as crazy as I use to. I could again if she showed interest. But she won't so we won't go into that.
The show at Ziggy's on friday was pretty good. Emery and Bleed the Dream were by far the best. Hawthorne Heights wasn't as good as the first time I saw them. They just stood there and played and the lead singer talked too fucking much between songs. I was thinking shut the hell up and play no one cares. Oh Well.
Wuthering Heights is good so far. Now I must go read it. |
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thoughtshade's journal